Episode 4: Only Sin Deep

 
Original Scaredate: June 14, 1989
Director: Howard Deutch
Writer: Fred Dekker
Starring: Lea Thompson, Britt Leach, Brett Cullen, John Kassir

Quick Kill: She's a hooker with a heart of old.

Review: This week's episode of Caroline in the City might be the most depressing one of the series. No longer a cartoonist, Caroline, who is calling herself Sylvia Vane for some reason, is now working the streets. Wait, what's that? Oh, this isn't Caroline after all. Well, that'll be a relief for Richard.

Anyway, we are immediately (and ham-handedly) told that Sylvia thinks highly of her looks, and spends a lot of time looking in the mirror. Sylvia, a free agent prostitute, has a run-in with her friend's pimp that serves as our entry to the story. (Side note: you know who's not so good at this tough bitch acting style? Lea Thompson.) She really wants to get off the streets, and is going to use her looks to land a rich man.

Sylvia, in the hopes of worming her way into high society, robs and kills the pimp from earlier. She takes her loot to a mildly creepy pawn shop. Knowing the jewelry is stolen, the pawnbroker refuses to buy the goods. However, he's got another offer for her. He'll allow her to pawn her beauty for $10,000. Assuming (like one would in any normal world), that he's nuts, she takes the easy score. Once Sylvia leaves, we get a really good scene where the broker is doing the voodoo that he do so well, and telling a rotting corpse that she'll soon be beautiful again.

With our heroine now minimally wealthy, we're treated(?) to a relatively lengthy Sylvia fashion montage. (Side note redux: Did Pretty Woman, released the year after this episode, steal its hooker character's love of hats from Sylvia?). Now Sylvia is on the hunt. The music in the party scene is pretty fantastic. Pure 80's synth-cheese with some wild cat noises thrown in for good measure.

Sylvia quickly hooks herself up with Ronnie Price, and we cut to four months later. Now Sylvia has everything she thinks she wanted. (Hmm...there's a bathtub scene too. Maybe this Pretty Woman thing isn't such a coincidence after all.) However when Sylvia looks in the mirror, she's notices that she's starting to get wrinkly. Ronnie leaves for a trip, and Sylvia's aging kicks into high gear. Realizing where the problem started, Sylvia goes to reclaim her beauty, but she's missed the deadline by a day. Now, to get it back, the pawnbroker wants $100,000.

Searching their apartment for the cash, Sylvia is surprised by Ronnie's return home. He, of course, doesn't recognize this old woman in his house, and calls the police. Sylvia takes her pimp-killer out and shoots Ronnie dead.

Sneaking into the pawn shop, Sylvia finds the plaster mask that the pawnbroker made of her beauty. She also finds the newly-beautified corpse of the pawnbrokers' wife. She has enough from her robbery of Ronnie to buy her beauty back, but here comes that famous Cryptian twist. The pawnbroker brings out a newspaper to show that Sylvia's young, beautiful self has been fingered for Ronnie's murder. Sylvia takes the beauty mask and leaves. As she goes, she is bumped in the street by her prostitute friend from the beginning of the episode, and the mask drops and is shattered.

Well, no streak lasts forever. After three solid episodes to start the series, we reach the first disappointment. But, we'll start with the positive. There are a few things in the episode that work well. The pawnbroker and his voodoo elements are good, and the scene mentioned above with his mummy-wife is the best part of the episode. The music is pretty strong. Also, the old-age makeup used for Lea Thompson is excellent.

However, these are fairly minor elements of an entire episode of television.

One of the interesting things about Tales from the Crypt is that quite often, the acting chores are hung primarily on one actor. If the performance is strong, like with William Sadler in "The Man Who Was Death", the episode can overcome other weaknesses. However, if it's poor, you get something like "Only Sin Deep". Thompson, who is usually a decent actress, is awful here. Her street tough accent never feels at all authentic, and there is very little depth to the performance. The closest she comes is at the very end of the episode, but it is too little, too late.

The direction is adequate, but very rarely rises above the level of workmanlike competence. The writing never pops out as strong either, which is surprising, after Dekker's clever "And All Through the House".

The show has already shown that it can be so much better than this, so let's hope this is just a momentary bump in the road.

Best Death: Not much to work with in this episode. Two shooting deaths. Ronnie's death is the bloodier of the two, so I guess it takes the prize.

Creeper Corner: An episode about hookers and there's no nudity? You really let me down this week, Tales.

Cryptkeeper's Line of the Week: "Just goes to show you, if you want to sell yourself, take a look in the mirror first."

Episode Rating: 1.5 out of 4 Cryptkeepers

Episode 3: Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone

Original Scaredate: June 10, 1989
Director: Richard Donner
Writer: Terry Black
Starring: Joe Pantoliano, Robert Wuhl, Kathleen York, John Kassir

Quick Kill: Drowning, stabbing, and other grisly deaths? All in a day's work.

Review: Another super-raspy outing from the Cryptkeeper kicks things off.

The episode proper starts with a nicely executed POV shot through a low-rent circus set to really eerie music. Sideshow act Ulric the Undying (Pantoliano) is introduced by a creepy barker (Wuhl). Ulric throws us some quick direct to camera exposition, and we move into flashback land. Sure, Ulric may now be a circus star who is about to be buried in a coffin only to rise again. But he started as a bum, buried under a cardboard box in an alley.

Ulric is enticed by a cash offer to the lab of genetic scientist Dr. Manfred. The doctor claims to have proven true the folk wisdom about cats having nine lives. Testing will require only a willing subject and the implantation of a feline gland. Once the surgery is complete, he is Ulric the Unbelieving, and takes a bullet's worth of proof from the doctor (life #1). Ulric does indeed return from the dead.

Together, the men hatch a plan to sell Ulric's resurrection powers for major money (millions, in Ulric's mind)...to the same seedy circus we see at the open of the episode. Well, I guess Tales' logic isn't always completely sound.

Ulric's first show is a drowning (#2). He multitasks and also makes a date with cute show assistant Coralee (York). The show appears to have failed, as the resurrection takes a little longer this time, but the man lives up to his name in the end. As a result, Ulric does indeed become a circus sensation, and his next show is a hanging (#3).

But like so many EC partnerships, the possible monetary comfort of both parties is superseded by the greed of one, and Ulric uses his next life (#4) to eliminate Dr. Manfred in a car crash on a rainy night.

Now in full control of the Ulric fortunes, the shows continue with an electrocution (#5) which almost results in his being embalmed when the resurrection takes hours to take effect. Understandably wary about this happening again, Ulric asks his girlfriend to make sure his body is kept safe after the shows.

Ulric's next show sees him killed (#6) by means of an arrow in a human shooting gallery. (90's TV historians take note: the kid who is forced to take a shot at Ulric is played by none other than Salute Your Shorts' Donkeylips [Michael Bower]).

Rich and getting richer, Ulric seems to be on top of the world. But as the true Tales fan knows, in this world, no bad deed goes unpunished. Coralee literally backstabs Ulric (#7), and takes off with his cash.

Now broke and down to his last resurrectable life, Ulric plans one last big show and gets Wuhl to agree to give him 100% of the profits. Death number 8 will be burial alive in that coffin from the top of the episode, and Ulric will be dug up and brought back to life the next day.  Monologuing to us about how sweet life is going to be once he gets that cash, Ulric slowly comes to the conclusion sharp-eyed and minded viewers may have already reached (though I didn't the first time I saw the episode). The cat Ulric received his gland from died in the service of the experiment, and therefore only had eight lives left to give. Cue screams and fade to black.

Pantoliano is good in the episode, but not at his best. Wuhl ends up as the standout here. He's delightfully manic and over the top, both in performance and appearance (that ever-changing facial hair!).

The writing is probably the best of the series thus far. The jokes, often tinged with death or cat related punchlines, are strong. The story is developed well, and the monologue of the reveal is handled with a sense of genuine dread.

However, apart from the opening POV work and a few other moments here and there, I was disappointed in Donner's direction here. It may have just been the show's low budget in the early going keeping things from reaching their full potential, but it doesn't have the snap of Zemekis' "And All Through the House". And for a show with so many death sequences, none of them are particularly visually interesting. That was probably the biggest disappointment of the episode.

"Dig That Cat" is not a bad episode, but it does have the misfortune of directly following the series' first great one.

Best Death: As mentioned above, the death scenes here are a disappointment. The electrocution is the best of the bunch, though.

Creeper Corner: None this time around.

Cryptkeeper's Line of the Week: "This little drama is about one of life's little unexpected pleasures. Dying, that is!"

Episode Rating: I'm tempted to end up at 2.5 here. However, the ending is so strong, I'm going to cut it a little slack. 3 out of 4 Cryptkeepers

Episode 2: And All Through the House

Original Scaredate: June 10, 1989
Director: Robert Zemekis
Writer: Fred Dekker
Starring: Mary Ellen Trainor, Marshall Bell (for a few seconds, anyway), Larry Drake, and John Kassir

Quick Kill: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus...to kill you!

Review: Jesus, the Cryptkeeper's Santa mask is horrifying. It's our first glimpse of the Keeper in costume, which would become a series mainstay as things went on.

Right away, as the episode starts, there's a nice juxtaposition in playing Nat King Cole's The Christmas Song balanced against the horror we know must be coming. And quickly, there it is, as Elizabeth (Trainor) attacks her husband Joseph (Bell) with the fireplace poker. After she puts her daughter, who swears she has heard Santa, back to bed, we get our motive. It's that EC classic of money plus adultery (here with the grossly named "The Vic Monster").

What follows is a well executed sequence as Elizabeth tries to dump Joseph's not-so-dead body while conveniently missing the escaped psychotic dressed as Santa headline playing on the radio. It's quiet...too quiet, and then, heeeeere's Santa (Drake).

In fighting the madman off (and she believes, knocking him out), Elizabeth gets ahold of Santa's axe, as well as some information from the police about the murderer loose in the neighborhood. Those gears of evil start turning as Elizabeth spins the murderous Kringle to her advantage, hacking up Joseph's body with the axe and then calling the cops. Elizabeth then manages to get stuck in the closet as she searches for Joseph's gun, all the while watching Santa climb toward her daughter's window.

The episode ends with a fantastic tag sequence. Little Carrie has let Saint Nick in, and Trainor breaks down while Drake gets his only line of the episode: "Naughty...or Nice?"

In my opinion, "All Through the House" is the first classic episode of Tales' run. In its 22 minute running time, it encapsulates many of the types of horror. It's got genuine tension, good jump scares, and a real sense of dread (particularly when Santa is climbing the ladder toward Carrie). It's quintessentially a slasher piece, and is thus a little light on the series' trademark humor, but the horror makes up for it.

Trainor puts in an all-out scream queen performance once the episode kicks into high gear, but she's also good in the early going as a conniving killer. And Drake is a fantastic monster. He plays his role with mindless psychotic glee, and delivers his one line perfectly. Bell, by virtue of his role, isn't really given much to do, and the daughter is serviceable.

Zemekis' direction is excellent, and never feels constrained by the TV budget/time. He adds some nice touches (the disappearing axe), and crafts a satisfying bite-sized slasher movie. And knowing where he would go in the future, does anyone else wish that Santa Drake had showed up on The Polar Express? It would have been a much more interesting addition than elven Aerosmith.

Fred Dekker's (The Monster Squad, Night of the Creeps) script is also a highlight, with solid story structure and some wonderful touches of dialogue.

It's a sign of the greatness to come that the series was able to produce something this strong and fully realized so early in the run.

Also, for the EC comics fiends, there are a couple of nice shout-outs to creators William M. Gaines and Al Feldstein

Best Death: There's only one onscreen death in the episode, but it's a good one, as Elizabeth gives Joseph that poker to the head. He is then left in silly, open-mouthed shock as and after Elizabeth works to remove the tool.

Creeper Corner: Well, unless you have a Santa fetish, you're going to go away disappointed this time.

Cryptkeeper's Line of the Week: "Be careful what you axe for. You just might GET IT!"

Episode Rating: 4 out of 4 Cryptkeepers

Episode 1: The Man Who Was Death

 
Original Scaredate: June 10, 1989
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Robert Reneau and Walter Hill
Starring: William Sadler, John Kassir

Quick Kill: Executioner loses job, goes rogue, finds that the system frowns on unsanctioned murder.

Review: First impression: I'd forgotten how raspy and creepy the Cryptkeeper tends to be in these early episodes. Just a ghoul and his shroud.

Sadler plays Niles Talbot, the state executioner, and the man enjoys his work. In an excellent and claustrophobically directed opening sequence, Talbot describes the effects of an execution over the action of one. After this execution, the state legislature decides to abolish the death penalty, and Talbot is out the door. Since he's the prison's spectre of death, he can't even get his old electrician's job back.

Soon, a number of murderers are let free, and Talbot uses his electrician's skills to enact some vigilante justice. The show definitely makes some leaps of logic/timeline here to move the episode along, as Talbot is captured in the act without any real explanation of how the cops got onto him, then the death penalty is reinstated just in time for Talbot's comeuppance.

"The Man Who Was Death" is primarily Sadler's show. Talbot spends a great deal of the episode monologuing, often directly into the camera as to his philosophies of life and death. Sadler does an excellent job of falling into and building this character very quickly. He's a slightly misogynistic country boy who believes in a justice that eventually exists outside the bounds of the law. We may know that he has fallen into the category of evil that he lives to punish, but he doesn't see it in that light. And on the strength of Sadler's performance, we believe he really feels that way.

Although Sadler is the center of the episode, there is some good supporting work, primarily from Roy Brocksmith as a bartender who may love the death penalty as much as Talbot does.

The character writing is solid, but the pace of the story forces some leaps in logic/timeframe that can come off as a little silly in an episode that doesn't otherwise have the campy quality that other episodes in the series do. This is particularly true in the abolishing and quick reinstating of the death penalty. But given that this, like many EC stories, was a quick morality play/twist ending story, it's a minor quibble overall.

Walter Hill does a very good job directing the episode, particularly in the mirrored opening and closing sequences, where we see Talbot first as punisher and then as punished as we wait for that red phone to ring. "It all evens out, don't it, baby?"

All in all, a solid opening to the series.

Best Death: A surprisingly gore-free start, but the spa electrocution features some very...expressive death acting.

Creeper Corner: Ladies: A shower/spa scene from one of Talbot's victims (Dani Minnick), and a few go-go dancers in a club. Fellas: Gerrit Graham is in the spa scene as well, but (shocker) shows much less skin than his female counterpart.

Cryptkeeper's Line of the Week: "What a reVOLTing development!"

Episode Rating: 3 out of 4 Cryptkeepers

Entering the Crypt

Welcome, kiddies. Join me, the Reviewkeeper, and together we'll revisit yesterfear, going episode by episode through the greatest horror series in the history of terrorvision. The show has it all. Scares, laughs, stars, great directors, gore galore, and a more-than-occasional flash of flesh.

If you're new to the series, I'm planning on going in chronological order from the DVD sets, so feel free to follow along. There are going to be spoilers throughout, so if there's an episode you haven't seen and don't want to ruin for yourself, please give it a momenscary pass.

There might be some changes as we go, but to begin, the format will be:

Credits

Quick Kill: A one line capsule of the episode

Review: A synopsis and my thoughts on the episode.

Best Death: Whether by means of gore, performance, or both--the best death (scene or aftermath) of the episode.

Creeper Corner: Since the show was pretty famous for its nudity, I'll be pointing out what's in the episode. I'll mention both female and male scenes, but if my memory of the show is solid, those waiting for the guys are likely to be disappointed most of the time.

Cryptkeeper's Line of the Week: Almost sure to be a joke or a pun. At any rate, you'll find it here.

Rating: We'll be working on a 1-4 Cryptkeeper scale. Half-Keepers will be issued as needed.

And now boys and ghouls, prepare. For soon we enter the Blog...from the Crypt.